Unasked-for silliness: Some gaming “humor”

Any doofus can post a dumb thing online in an attempt at “humor”.

But it takes a special kind of doofus to compile and release a collection of his misfires in a warped plea for further public ridicule.

Here’s a collection of gamer-related “humor” tidbits that I’ve left steaming on forums or Twitter. Consider it a break from yet more pretentious posts about the proper cost of SM-dependent strength-based logarithmic damage with semi-balanced polearms, or whatever. I serve it as an amuse-bouche (if decidedly light on the “amuse”).

Into the breach:

The “Three GURPS Books” challenge

You are allowed three random GURPS supplements. What’s your campaign?

This thread on the SJG forums challenged participants to design a campaign around three GURPS books, then list three more books—some interesting combination, or randomly generated—for the next person to tackle.

I followed a poster who left this trio as the challenge:

  • GURPS 4th Monster Hunters 1 Champions
  • GURPS 4th Mars Attacks
  • GURPS 3e Religion

All right. So here’s what a mash-up might look like, back-cover marketing blurb style:

[knock knock knock]

“Good morning, Earthling inhabitant of dwelling! Do you have a moment for mind-link transference of literature about our Lord and Savior Yuxazendus?”

As the first organization to decode the mysterious digital tracts beamed by approaching Martian vessels, only The Company knew what was coming. (“It’s not a cookbook! It’s so much worse!”) When the invading force came, they were green, bug-eyed, and… polite. Really quite nice, actually. But The Company kept a steely eye on the roving pairs of young Martians who make the rounds of neighborhoods on quaint atomic bicycles. Now it notes with alarm the growing legions of suburban families – and government leaders! – who tune in to alien holoevangelists, whisper of baptisms in canals of dust, and turn shining eyes toward the Red Planet.

The Company is hell-bent on a secret crusade to righteously kick green hiney. Posing as competing neighborhood preachers, their teams of “Decommissionaries” scour the suburbs for fanatic “Promised Planet” followers and their alien ministers, to bring them down to earth with ultra-tech psychotherapy, bioengineered deconversion drugs, and reasoned counterapologetics over a nice cup of tea. (Or, failing that, a searing sermon of hot lead. “Witness THIS, E.T.!”)

It’s up to you now, Team Member! The converts are marking calendars with an ominous “X(enu)-mas”; the End Times are coming! Can YOU stand up to the necktied, white-shirted, skull-faced invaders and their photonic proselytizer rays? It’s time to win back the hearts, minds, and brains of humanity through the ultimate urban warfare – combat that’s truly door-to-door!

(Be sure to knock politely first, of course.)

Using a random generator, I then left three books (Silk Road, Steampunk, and Social Engineering – Back to School) and the challenge went on.

Lethal Sausage: The Movie

Where in the world did this come from? I don’t remember, and I’ve lost any links. (Heh. “Links.” That’s a sausage word.) 

Someone, somewhere, suggested Lethal Sausage as a funny movie title, so I attempted to create action movie dialogue to go with it. For whatever reason, I do have that saved:

[Investigators view scene of crime]

“Victims were minced and stuffed. The work of a butcher.”

“This is just offal. Cops doing anything?”

“Casing the joint, grilling suspects, following the links. But I think… Killbasa is back. It’s time we smoked out and cured this disease.”

“You mean…. Call in Braunschweiger? That meat log from Vienna? I thought they hung him out to dry.”

“Baloney. Those jerky wienies in the FDA may have had a beef with him, but you don’t grind down Fatal Frank. He’s got the guts to… Aw, cheese. He’s here.”

[Frank enters]

“Yo.”

“So. Frank. You’re the hot dog I’ve been hearing about. You military?”

“Army brat.”

“They say you’re bad news.”

“The wurst.”

That’s where it ends. Maybe I’ll catsup on it more later, but frankly, this script won’t cut the mustard until I can figure out how to work “salami” and “chorizo” into it.

The settings fusion challenge

Another mashup! The challenge on this forum thread: Mash disparate settings into the sort of amalgam that GURPS revels in. As an example, the OP suggested a fusion of Aliens, Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time (WoT) fantasy trilogy (er, make that fourteen-logy), and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

I liked the possibilities, and thought the back-cover marketing blurb might read like this:

Rainbow Dash smoothed the fur over her cutie mark, peered into the vidcam, and sniffed. “You’re going out there to destroy them, right?”

Blasted stallions! Burn her, but only those goose-brained lummoxes could be so woolen-headed as to send colonists to LV 426 without a ter’angreal or even an Elements of Harmony gem.

“Not to study, not to bring back, but to wipe them out.” She stared daggers that could have cut a Saldaen fun’nywor’dwith’man’y’ap’ost’ro’ph’es in half.

Spike swallowed and knuckled his forehead. “That’s the plan,” he mumbled. Mares!

Rainbow Dash tugged her mane. “All right, I’m in.” Her growl made a UD-4 dropship’s afterburners sound like a Tojaran kitten’s meow. It was time again to knock some goat-kissing xenotrollocs’ heads together, even if that meant another ride with Weyland-Yupony. Sheep swallop and bloody buttered onions!

(It’s a bit heavy on the WoT tropes; fans of the series may appreciate it.)

I hereby transfer further development of this exciting new setting from my derpy hooves to yours.

Adding a wedge to the Cheese College of magic 

No RPG should have a college of magic dedicated to cheese, but GURPS always does its own thing.

Along with entries like Seek Cheese and Shape Cheese, this tongue-in-cheese college contains the blood-curdling Flesh to Cheese. In that mold, and paying fromage to that vein of magic, I tweeted a variant with updated casting cost and casting time – essentially a (red wax) skin of Dissipate from GURPS Magic: Death Spells. Here it is:

Halloween bonus!

Inspired by the Cheese College, this death spell is nacho usual Food College fare:

Gouda Hell (VH)

Regular; Resisted by HT

Your victim can bid a fondue farewell to living as he picks up a queso dying and melts awhey into brie-Cambrian goo. A feta worse than death!

Duration: Instant; effects permanent unless reversed via Remove Curse.

Cost: 12. Affects entire subject.

Time to cast: 2 sec.

Prerequisites: Magery* 3 plus Create Food.

*GMs may require a special lacto-aspected magical affinity, or Fromagery.

This spell is ineffective against emmentals, gorgon-zolas, or other cheese muensters.

Well. We’ll see whether that ages well. For now, let your cheese wiz discover her inner affineur and unleash terroir on the turophobes!

(Fun fact: Telling fortunes from cheese – tyromancywas a thing in olden days. Or so I’ve curd.)

More?

No, fortunately, though this link should collect all site posts with some connection to ostensibly funny stuff. (I’ll also note this ancient article, which contains no humor-related content but which has the best header image of anything on this site.)

Now go look for real laughs somewhere else! Humor has forsaken these lands.


Header image: “Hoo-boy. Tough crowd tonight.”

Stańczyk w czasie balu na dworze królowej Bony wobec straconego Smoleńska (Stańczyk during a ball at the court of Queen Bona in the face of the loss of Smolensk). Jan Matejko, 1862.

2 Comments

  • fellrant

    I hate to be “that guy”, but it’s slightly possible that I have just shared the Lethal Sausage dialogue with every living human being I know. I roll with a pretty hip crowd, so I’m sure they can take the pun-ishment.

    • tbone

      Thank you, that’s quite a kind condiment. ‘Nduja know what I really relish about creating some buzz? I’ll bet you don’t, salami to tell you. Keep spreading the word about this project, andouille get the attention of Hollywood!! (Remember, though, it’s all about the art. Any profits are just gravy.)

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